What is really involved when dealing with fabulous sex? That’s one of those superficially simple questions that becomes, on second thought, inexplicably difficult and mysterious. What is it that makes the difference between ordinary sex and fabulous sex?
This is not really a trifling question. Given the choice, surely most of us, indeed, all of us would choose great sex over merely serviceable sex. However, what data are available for the improvement we all seek? What, for example, makes sublime sex, well, sublime? What elements combine to create that delicate, delicious experience?
One source of guidance regarding this question is found in trendy magazines which are practically dripping… just throbbing with advice, instructions, and tips designed to lift us to the highest levels of breathtaking sex.
Some years back, a Canadian sex researcher analyzed a variety of such popular magazine advice columns and articles and found that most of it fell into one of two distinct categories: “technical improvement” or “variety and novelty.” So, according to the popular magazines polled, people who desire great sex should:
- Improve their technique, with accessories and sex toys of all kinds
- Vary sex positions and sites, and, occasionally, partners
This all makes intuitive sense. Still, many minds, including my own, still harbor doubt, and wonder:
- Where’s the evidence?
- What is the realistic basis for these claims?
Hey, we all have learned, sometimes the hard way, that not everything that looks good is good, right? And not everything that sounds believable is factually correct. (Watched the news lately?) So, with all due respect to popular magazines, it may still make sense to assess whether the track they offer to great sex is, in fact, the right path.
To this end, the research team decided several years ago to investigate the issue more scientifically. The researchers recruited a sexually erudite and varied group of people of differing genders, ages, nationalities, ethnicities, and sexual preferences. They also included 20 certified sex therapists and interviewed each of them about their definitions of—and experiences with—fabulous sex. The researchers then analyzed the results in detail in search of commonly revealed words and looked for shared emerging themes in the various descriptions. Data from this study exposed several very interesting findings.
First, those elements described in popular magazines as “important” for great sex, i.e., those focusing on technique and novelty, did not appear in the data at all. According to their research, splendid, thrilling, and life-altering sex does not require titillating toys, limber limbs, or tricky tongues; it does not depend on the number of orgasms per minute, positions per hour, locations per day, or partners per week. In general, the researchers found that the trendy magazine advice, in general, sounded good but was not good. It was all crap.
In general, the researchers found that
the trendy magazine advice,
in general, sounded
good but was not good. It was all crap.
Another interesting finding was that the actual components of awe-inspiring sex—those elements that were frequently mentioned in the reports of participants—were surprisingly alike across gender, education, age, and sexual orientations. It turns out that great sex is great sex is great sex, no matter whether you’re young or old, gay or straight, black or white, male or female. Great sex is a shared, universal human experience.
The research project’s findings extracted eight specific components of great sex, listed below.
- Being present, attentive, and animated
Fabulous sex requires complete and total absorption in the present moment. To have great sex, the participants simply must be in it all the way. They can’t just be spectators to their own performance, judges or critics. They can’t be unsteady, unfocussed, or preoccupied. Your absolute full presence in the moment is the most important component of sublime sex, according to these data. In fabulous sex, the past is no longer there, the future is not considered in the least, the outside world ceases to be of interest. Transcendent sex “forgets everything about others” as the song says. There are only two realities: “now,” and “us.” Nothing else.
- Connection, orientation, union, and being in sync
Fabulous sex necessitates a strong interpersonal underpinning. Transcendent sex requires a deep and strong connection between the partners, a sense of synchronicity, an effortless “click” and loads of “chemistry.” It involves a convergence, the sense union of the two merging into each other. Often the kind frequently described in poetry and song—two hearts beating as one.
- Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
When you have great sex, sexual attraction is most often merged with a sense of security and emotional intimacy between the partners. It requires a near complete acceptance of self and the other. The partners extend each other the deep human dignity, in sex and beyond, that is required for that level of openness.
- Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy
In order to have great sex there has to be a very real, mutual attentiveness, mutual support, absolutely clear openness, and the ability to express desires without fear and with loving sensitivity and consideration to the partner’s possible reactions.
When you have great sex, sexual
attraction is most often merged
with a sense of security and
emotional intimacy between the partners
- Genuineness, being authentic and unrestrained, being transparent
Fabulous sex is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, every day, every time. It is a focused collaborative effort. It involves an authentic version of yourself in being place, without reservations and without keeping score. When you can do that you feel free to do anything, show everything, see everything, feel everything, and say everything, without embarrassment, without guilt, and without consideration of what will or what will not be said or thought later. Unmatched sex is extemporaneous, daring, imaginative, plentiful, enlightened, and redemptive.
- Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing
Inspiring sex can be felt as harmony, delight, and happiness; as ecstasy. Heavenly sex is a revelatory experience not only at the mental and physical level, but also at the core of our existence. Opening us to new areas of experience and energy. The best sex changes how we experience and understand our world, ourselves, and our partner. It is experienced as a revelation, often joined with spiritual elements. Supreme sex is repairing, curative, restorative; it cures and discharges feelings. Many participants described the experience in almost religious terms, as a sense of the presence inspiration, the divine.
- Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun
Great sex is experienced as an astonishing passage, a fun ride, a pleasurable and stimulating journey. Partners learn to engage fully in the experience, letting their natural curiosity run free, following instincts of discovery and revelation that they were unaware existed. They are thrilled to explore unknown regions, experience new and different feelings, and discover things about themselves they never imagined. They play, they laugh, and they enjoy each other. Great sex is not hesitant about games, laughter, messiness and silliness. Quite the opposite; it allows and uses them all to the fullest.
- Vulnerability and surrender
Amazing sex requires us to shed our most unbreachable defenses and arrive at the encounter naked and disarmed. It absolutely requires that you let go of your anxieties, your calculations, and your ego and simply surrender to the experience. You must experience the flow and the feelings in the continually changing present. This is surrender in the sense of giving, giving unconditionally to the experience, giving out of love. This is surrender also in a sense of release, as a person who decides to jump off a cliff into the water throws himself into the air and releases them self to the mercy of the laws, of gravity, and physics. Surrender in the context of great sex also symbolizes deep devotion to another, from a place of trust and faith in the other person and in the shared moment.
This is surrender in the sense of
giving, giving unconditionally
to the experience, giving out of love.
Basically, the evidence suggests that wonderful sex is a human event, not a technological trick. Wonderful sex is for everyone, and everyone who will open themselves to it can partake. Wonderful sex is an act of faith, not so much in God, but in human beings, and in particular one human being. Wonderful sex does not reside or spring from magazines and catalogs, but in the living experience between people. Wonderful sex comes from the depths, like fresh artesian spring water. Wonderful sex is not afraid of light; it is itself light. Wonderful sex is the most basic of human connections.
Wonderful sex is not a job; you don’t need to brush up your resume’. And the best sex can never be a masquerade. It only works when you come as you are.
How are you feeling about your relationship?
Schedule some time and we can talk about how things are going and how much better it can be.