I don’t know about you, but I always hated the phrase, “Timing is everything.” That being said, there is more truth to that little phrase than you can imagine.We all work to make great decisions. Not only do they feel good, but they get us one step closer to our goals. At every turn, we are flooded with information that tells us just how far off the mark we are and what steps to take to get back on the path. It doesn’t matter whether or not you think about your body, your face, your weight, aging, how you dress, earn a living, live or what you accumulate. You can find information about it and how to improve.
At every turn, we are flooded
with information that tells us just
how far off the mark we are and what
steps to take to get back on the path.
All the self-help junk out there tells us that we need to work hard and use all the opportunities we encounter to make sure we reach our fullest and highest potential, guides to reach the pinnacle of success and superiority. Do you know anyone struggling for just being average, for doing just OK, or for simply being—just being?
So, when you think you made the wrong decision, think you f-ed up, you missed out on something you imagine you are entitled to, you probably feel a sense of loss that’s really hard to shake. Can you feel it? You also know that this feeling can come from a job opportunity, or possible promotion, a property purchase, and even relationships. Relationships…think about it, meeting the right person at the wrong time can be life changing. Usually it doesn’t work out the way we dream it will. That experience sticks with you for a long time, resurfacing again and again when you least expect it and if you aren’t careful, it can prevent you from moving on with your life.
The right person at the wrong time feels like missing out.
There is a name for that feeling…“Fear Of Missing Out,” commonly referred to as “FOMO.” It is has become so common that although there is no DSM-V diagnosis, there is now a definition for it in the Oxford Dictionary:
“Anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on social media.”
In this context, it has less to do with social media and more to do with what the gestalt folks call unfinished business. When things just don’t come together for one reason or another, giving us what we want, we get this feeling of loss, grief, or regret, and with some people, even hostility. There are times when simply holding on to the feelings—for better or worse—is the only connection we still have with this thing that slipped away from our life. It is focusing on negative feelings as a sort of security blanket instead of picking yourself back up and going to the next thing—next step, next intersection in life
When it comes to people in our lives, it is even harder. A lot harder. When you meet that ideal person (or at least they seem ideal) it is perfectly normal to want a connection with them and to first imagine, and second, to create a relationship with them. If the feelings are mutually shared, you might even enjoy an intimate relationship with them. But when that “right person” comes along at the wrong time, for you or them, the relationship is doomed from the start. Even if all the other boxes are checked off, e.g., life goals, values, attraction, eroticism, geography, style, if the timing is off, you have absolutely no power over the course of the situation, and neither does your partner. You simply have to face the reality.
Someone Met at the Wrong Time is the Wrong Person
When (and notice I didn’t write “if”) you meet that “right person” at the wrong time, odds are they really are the wrong person. The right person just doesn’t meet your imagined list of desires (and you theirs), but you are both heading in the same direction. Both of you are ready, if only one person is ready, or one is readier than the other to settle down, or is locked in mortal combat with their own unfinished business and lacks the room in their life for you, then it is almost predictable that the relationship will end. Resisting that will ensure that it ends badly for both of you.
When you meet that “right person”
at the wrong time, odds are
they really are the wrong person.
Timing is everything…timing is everything… timing is everything, and while you have no control over timing, it is the one ingredient that ensures the longevity, success, and prosperity of your relationship. Battling with unfinished business when you imagine you have met the right person, is the wrong time. You in fact, make them the wrong person and that can be all the more painful. The battle is real and the emotions you experience in the process will leave you depressed and confused to say the least.
Learn From it and Go Meet the Right Person
Coping with all of this can be a bit much. It can be simply overwhelming because moving on involves not just communicating with your friend to try and resolve what is going on between the two of you, but handling the deterioration and ending of your time together. It will demand that you both move past your personal feelings, confronting your own grief, and taking lessons from the experience and getting on with your new life. Sometimes keeping a journal, or even writing a letter that you might or might not ever deliver, can help you get your feelings out.
Here are some things to keep in mind; consider these ways to deal with unfinished business when at the wrong time, you meet the right person.
Treasure the Good Feelings; You Don’t Have to Forget Them
All those good experiences—like many great things—are fleeting and just because they don’t last forever doesn’t mean that they were less good, less valuable, or less meaningful. Sometimes you just have to let them go; people, places, things, and it can make your time with them even more significant, particularly because your time was so short. Try and use your time reflecting on the good, not the bad. Don’t dwell on the negatives or the fact that it had to end; try and find a kind of gratitude for the experience.
Don’t Lose Yourself; Honor What You Want
When you meet them and think they just might be the right person but at the wrong time, temptation will surely be right by your side. You will be tempted to change yourself or your goals in order to accommodate the situation. You will think that you are just trying to preserve what you have found, but you are really taking the early steps to fail. At some point, the real “you” will surface again and you will realize that you have been doing nothing but wasting your and the other person’s time.
You will be tempted to change
yourself or your goals in order
to accommodate the situation.
In Hamlet, Polonius says, “To thine own self be true” and he was right. Be the authentic you, living in tune with your desires, your life goals, and where you are in your life. I know you will feel like you are missing out, but if you remain authentic, you won’t go wrong.
That Bitterness Helps You Recover Faster
Yes, you are going to be angry, resentful, sad, and confused; count on it and it’s OK. All of the feelings you experience are valid and real. Denying them will only make them stronger. Life is all about the ups and downs you experience. If you imagine things will always be smooth sailing you are lying to yourself. It is a fabrication of pop culture and all that crap you see on Facebook. For most of us, when we feel most connected to our own humanity is when we experience loss, which by the way, is unavoidable.
Life is all about the ups and
downs you experience.
It is the fundamental human condition to know and feel, and thus to grieve loss. We always try to protect ourselves from pain and loss and the disappointment that comes with it by making the best decisions we can. But as I mentioned, not everything is in our control. The best you can do is to learn from the experience; sometimes a bitter experience will help you make a better decision next time.
If it Doesn’t Serve You, Just Walk Away
Like the 60s band The Left Bank wrote in one of their songs, ”Just walk away Renee,” there are times when you just have to walk away. Being ready and willing to walk away from something that you really don’t want but feels good takes emotional maturity and strength of character. Unless you are a preschooler, you need to grow and understand that you just can’t have all that you want in life. It is just counterproductive (at the least) and life ruining (at the worst) to force a situation or relationship when things just don’t work out.
Meeting the right person at the wrong time is a chance to learn some unpleasant but extremely important life lessons and in time, look back with some appreciation for why things went as they did. What you are most likely to see, though, is that although things didn’t work out like you wanted at the time, they worked out better for you in the long run. Trust me…that is the way it usually works.
What say you?. How is your timing Are you having challenges with the right person, wrong time? How are you handling it?
Give me a call so we can talk about it… schedule a time for a call and let’s give it a go.
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