This is for all of you who wondered if you are introverts. When you were in school, did you ever wonder if there was something wrong with you? Did you feel as though you were lacking in confidence and social skills? You never really felt comfortable when everyone else seemed to be having a great time. How about conflict? Did the thought of it leave you nearly paralyzed with fear and over-analysis? And how about that feeling you had when you raised your hand? Did you even wonder if you could attract a date? As you grew and defined your own style, you found many of those things became easier.
Once you found the authentic you, being comfortable in your own skin became a way of life. You grew more confident when speaking with new people and you found people began to approach you as never before. You learned to use solitude to manage your energy and focus and life became easier.
If this pretty much describes you, then you’re an introvert, and that makes you so darn attractive.
You rock at intimate connections.
You are a very deep person. Relationships, understanding what things mean, or just learning how to do something, you want to get to the basics—the root—of what it’s all about. You want to understand. Since you don’t have the energy of extroverts, who seem to pursue relationships with millions, you tend to look for deeper interactions with a limited number of people. It’s likely that only when you become really interested in a person, will you open yourself.
You are a pro at listening.
You almost always prefer to listen than speak. If that’s you, it is probably because you crave understanding more than just being understood. You use all those stories and experiences that you hear to put together who you are.
In this electronically fast world, where texts and emails are answered in seconds, introverts desire to listen and pay attention to the person you are with makes them feel fabulously important. They can literally feel you giving them your precious energy and focus. Once felt, it’s a feeling that can be hard to live without.
Yes, you are more sensitive.
Study after study suggests that introverts are more physically sensitive than extroverts. You are more sensitive to external events. In one study, it was demonstrated that introverts brains are more responsive to stimuli than those of extroverts.
You can also feel what those around you feel. From strong feelings of guilt to those of happiness and fulfillment, you feel those intense feelings personally. That makes you careful to whom you choose to get close.
Deep conversation or none at all.
It’s not surprising that introverts would rather talk about values than the weather. Even though you might not want to talk about your own childhood events, you would rather hear about childhood events that shaped your friends’ lives than talk about the weather. Things that you are passionate about are on the table; the rest, not so much. But, once you start talking, you just don’t want to stop…right?
Deep interactions of this nature—be they verbal or physical—form a rich and fulfilling connection between people and make them feel like they’ve known each other for a lifetime. It is that very willingness to make yourself vulnerable and talking (not just listening) about deep topics which is critical for building lasting attraction.
You grow in your quiet time.
Introverts spend more time alone than your extrovert friends. Don’t worry if they don’t understand. In your time alone, you are never staring blankly at a wall. They read fiction that stimulates their imagination. You read “how to” books, classics, and listen to music that makes you feel in a certain way. You are always looking for more knowledge and skills to improve yourself.
Remember, you aren’t easy.
One of, if not an introverts greatest asset, is your mystery. You just don’t share everything with everyone all the time, and you want it that way. It isn’t unusual for you to be reserved around some folks, and loud and boisterous around others. Everyone guessing is kept guessing, and so people often feel like they have earned your attention when they receive it. The fact that you are at peace means that some people will just never understand you. You also are aware that it’s this very lack of understanding that sparks a curiosity in extroverts that easily grows into attraction.
Reality is your home ground.
You aren’t a salesman. It’s not how you roll. You don’t care to even learn how to spin reality into something that sounds better than it is, and those who do quickly frustrate you. What you offer those close to you is an authenticity that is as refreshing as it is attractive.
Gratification doesn’t decrease if you delay it.
You are simply not impulsive. You spend lots of time thinking things through, and are willing to make sacrifices in the short term to achieve a long term goal. It’s an easy choice for you. Indeed, you have seen your impulsive extroverted friends leap ahead with incomplete information; it just isn’t your way.
To an extrovert, an introvert can be insanely attractive. (Think moth to the flame attractive). We know that it will take you time to open up, and as humans, we treasure things that are scarce. Because of how you provide this scarcity, introverts and extroverts can for lasting and meaningful relationships indeed.
Never make the mistake thinking that you have to do more in order to be attractive or desirable. You know in your own hear that “more” is often less, and in your world, less is more. Don’t worry about telling jokes or silly stories; just learn to manage your innate skills and be aware that they are some of the most rare and desirable traits.
Unleash them when and how you are ready to live the life you desire.
Frank Hopkins is a certified Professional Coach (CPC) and certified by the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC). He is a certified Master Practitioner (ELI-MP) of the iPEC proprietary assessment tool, the Energy Leadership Index and offers seminars on Energy Leadership. He maintains memberships in the International Coaching Federation (ICF) and the Institute of Coaching (ICPA).